


Help Him Remember

by KitHourglass



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Black and white movies, Depression, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-03-01
Packaged: 2019-03-25 15:10:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13837362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KitHourglass/pseuds/KitHourglass
Summary: "What makes Sam happy?"Dean startled, almost dropping the milk he had been pulling out of the fridge. He turned slowly and put the milk on the counter regarding the angel with guarded curiosity and perhaps some concern. "Why?""Because he's not, and hasn't been for awhile. I want to change that."





	Help Him Remember

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Sastiel Creations Challenge Round 1 on Tumblr. The theme was first time for this round, and my prompt was "laugh"

It occurred to Castiel not long after he and Sam had tried to track Gadreel down with the remaining grace inside Sam, how little the young man valued himself. Castiel had noticed before, how could he not, the self deprecation, the self hatred, in both Winchesters. He had seen it in Dean's soul when he raised him, had seen it in Sam's face, heard it in his voice. It was there in how they talked about themselves. It was there everyday, and as the angel had dealt with such things himself, continued to deal with them, from all the things he had fucked up in the short time he had been allowed to walk upon the earth. 

It truly hit him after that moment though, stood out starkly in his mind. Sam was ready to die, and Sam had been ready to die so many times before, but this time just to catch Gadreel? Something that was not even Sam's fault. Sam would have died, and five years ago, Castiel would have killed him. 

Of all the things that had been done to Sam, Castiel had done some of the worst. Which is why the realisation of how Sam truly felt about himself, that he truly didn't think he was worth anything, didn't think he deserved life, and happiness, was so terrible. Part of that was Castiel's fault. When the young hunter had been scared and alone, being lead astray by a demon, Castiel had not been kind to him. Castiel had called him an abomination. Castiel had raised him from hell soulless, and Castiel had been the one to break his wall. 

And while all of these things didn't amount to what the devil had done to him, what Ruby had, what Azazel had, it was worse that Castiel had done them. Because Sam trusted him, valued him, cared about him. He had become Sam's friend, and he had failed the young man again and again. And Sam had always forgiven him. But Sam would never forgive himself. 

After that, he started watching Sam. Dean returned, nothing to show for the journey to Cain, and there was still Abaddon. But when he could, he watched Sam, talked to Sam. He and Sam had become closer over the last couple years, and after what they had shared when Dean was gone. So they talked, and watched movies with Dean, and hunted and read, and Castiel watched it all. 

Sam seemed normal. But he wasn't happy, and when had not happy become normal? Of all the people in the world Castiel was sure the Winchesters deserved happiness the most, and Dean seemed like maybe he was getting there. But not Sam. He smiled, but not widely, and never laughed. The closest he came were huffs of breath when Dean or Castiel did something amusing. And Castiel started wanting Sam Winchester to be happy more then he had wanted anything for a long time. He hadn't even really experienced want as a full angel, so perhaps it was the most he had ever wanted something in his whole existence. 

The problem was, Castiel wasn't sure he was happy himself, so he didn't know how to make Sam happy. He consulted the Sam Winchester Encyclopedia, also known as his brother. 

"What makes Sam happy?" 

Dean startled, almost dropping the milk he had been pulling out of the fridge. He turned slowly and put the milk on the counter regarding the angel with guarded curiosity and perhaps some concern. "Why?" 

Castiel sighed, Dean always tended to be defensive about Sam. Even with him. "Because he's not, and hasn't been for awhile. I want to change that." 

Dean was still staring. "I don't think there's any magic remedy to make him happy, Cas. Sometimes people can't be happy because of some mental illness. Sometime they won't let themselves be happy for some reason or other. I've been there. I don't know which it is for Sam. I just try to be there for him."

Castiel knew Dean did try that. He sometimes failed, but he tried. He knew Dean probably wanted Sam to be happy as much as he himself did but perhaps Dean, like Castiel didn't know how so he had stayed in the background, letting Sam figure things out for himself.

But that wasn't working, Sam was still in the mindset that everything was his fault, and both Dean and Castiel had been past causes of that. He nodded to Dean to show he understood, that he didn't judge him. "I also try to be there for him, but I don't know if it's enough. Should I talk to him about it, confront him about it?" 

Dean shifted a little uncomfortably. Castiel knew Dean wasn't the best at talking about things. But Sam liked to talk and maybe talking- about feelings, about **Sam's** feelings would help. Castiel wasn't a therapist, but maybe just having someone to talk to would help. 

"Yeah, maybe." Dean said, and smiled a little. "Good idea, Cas. Tell you what, why don't you two watch a movie in Sam's room, best why to get him to start talking about things is to talk about the plot of the movie, might get him to open up. Maybe you'll see how he feels based on his reactions to things. I'll make food for you two. Food and movies and talking have to help at happiness, right?" 

Castiel found himself smiling back. Yes, perhaps they did. 

 

Castiel knocked on Sam's bedroom door a few hours later, loaded down with fried potatoes, salad, mac-n-cheese, and grilled chicken breast. It seemed an odd combination of foods to the angel, but Dean assured him as he showed Castiel how to cut potatoes that Sam loved all those things. Castiel couldn't make Sam happy with just food and his presence, but maybe he could get him to smile. And every smile might lead to a laugh, and a laugh to happiness. 

"Come in!" Sam called from inside, and Castiel pushed open the door. He probably made a comical sight, food balanced on a tray in each hand, and an apron that he had forgotten to take off over his suit and trench coat. There was also flour and chocolate powder dusting varies places on his person from the brownies that were in the oven. 

"I have dinner." Castiel said, standing there, with both his trays, looking at Sam where he lay on his bed reading. 

Sam sat up, closing his book, his lips twitching in something akin to a smile as he took in the angel's state. "I can see that. But why are you bringing it in to me?" 

"I thought we could watch a movie." Castiel said, and he felt a bit silly standing ghere with a damn apron on and his was afraid he was going to trip and all the lovely food he and Dean had prepared for Sam would be destroyed.

Sam smiled, for real now, and Castiel's heart leapt. "That-that sounds really great, Cas." He looked confused for a moment though. "Is Dean coming?" 

Castiel shock his head, still standing in the door way. "He said, and I quote 'A man needs some alone time, you'll understand when you're older'." Castiel wrinkled his nose, still indignant about what Dean had said. He was, after all millions of years old.

The young hunter huffed out an amused breath of air, while still making a face of disgust. "Sounds like him. Come on and sit down, Cas. That food looks awesome and if Dean's not coming we can watch an actual good movie. Any suggestions?"

Castiel obediently stepped to the bed, handing the trays of food to Sam and sitting down. He hoped Sam would like the food, though he had no idea, being unable to taste it himself, though Dean proclaimed it fantastic. He shook his head to Sam's question of movies. "I don't know, what's your favorite movie?" 

Tonight, maybe they couldn't talk about Sam's problems, his issues, his pain and the dark cloud of depression, but he could bring this little comfort. Find out more about Sam in the little bit of information, trying to understand his friend. He couldn't make Sam happy in a night, Rome wasn't built in a day, but he could give him this, and it would be enough for tonight. 

Sam mused as he took a bite of chicken. "Mm, this is good. I don't know, man, there's so many good movies out there. I've always liked old black and white movies. Dean doesn't usually like them though. At least doesn't admit if he does." 

"Why?" Castiel asked, a little bemused. "What charm do these movies have, the film quality was much lower, and it seems a shame to watch movies in only black and white." 

"That's just it though, they're called black and white, but really they're shades of grey, shadows and light. It was a different time, not necessarily a better one, just different. I like how movies were written, the actors and actresses, the snappy lines, the weird humor. Cary Grant, Humphry Bogart, Kathrine Hepburn and James Stewart. Gregory Peck, Ginger Rogers and Fred Aster. Audrey Hepburn." 

Castiel got lost some where around the names, apparently Metatron hadn't included 30s, 40s and 50s movie stars. "I think I understand what you mean," He said, and he did. "I'd like to watch one of these movies." 

Sam full out grinned now, and the knowledge he was helping Sam, even just that little bit was gratifying. "Let's watch Bringing up Baby." Sam said, opening his laptop. 

"We're watching a movie about raising a child?" Castiel asked. 

"No Cas," Sam said with a light snort. "It's about a leopard." He started the movie, and Castiel was left to see for himself. That first night, they didn't talk any more then that, but rested against each other and watched the movie, even this little bit of information about Sam wonderful for Castiel to know. 

 

It became a thing then, the two of the watching old movies in the evening. Castiel hadn't expected to like them so much, but the feeling of sitting beside Sam as he showed the angel these movies he had loved in college, revisiting them for the first time in years. But though Sam seemed better sometimes, he was still hurt deep in his soul. It wasn't surprising of course, depression wasn't cured like that. Sam still didn't talk to CAs about his fears. He still didn't laugh.

One night, while watching Harvey Castiel decided he needed to just talk to Sam about it. He couldn't solve all of Sam's problems, but talking would help him. Castiel need Sam to be happy, the absence of it like a hole in his chest. 

"Sam," He said softly to get the man's attention. 

Sam looked away from the screen, balanced on their knees, hitting the pause button when he saw the expression on Castiel's face. "Hey, what's going on?" He asked cautiously, always so careful of everyone else's feelings, and never caring for his own. 

"Sam," Castiel repeated, and now that he had the chance, he didn't know what to say. "Why don't you-" he broke off, looking away, "Talk to me?" 

Sam frowned. "I do talk to you. Cas, what's wrong?" He set the laptop aside, gently putting his hand on the angel's arm. 

"Not about your feelings. Not about what keeps you up at night, not about the guilt and the pain. You keep it all locked away, and you pretend you're fine, but I can see it in the look on your face, you're not happy." 

The young man stared at him, his expression guarded. "Happiness isn't exactly something that's common in a life like this. Talking isn't going to change that." 

Castiel made a noise of frustration. "Sam, I've told you, I deal with guilt and fear every day, I've fucked up so many things, I tried to become **God**. I understand, to some degree how you feel. I want to understand more. Maybe I can't make you happy by talking, but maybe we can work through things together, instead of keeping our feelings locked away." 

The hand on Castiel's arm was roughly pulled away, and Sam stood up, flames in his eyes. He seemed to only have heard part of what Castiel said. "Is that what this is, Cas? You want me to be happy, cause you feel guilty about what you've done? I don't want your pity, I don't want your guilt. I've forgiven everything you've done, you don't have to try and make amends by making me **happy** or whatever. I don't remember what happy feels like." He practically spit the word happy at Castiel, as though it were dirty, and laughing bitterly. Sam's laughter had been something Castiel had longed for, but this, this dark self loathing thing was so far from what he had wanted, so dangerous and sad. 

Castiel stood too, clenching his fists, but trying to remain calm. "You think that's what this is about? I feel guilty for what I've done to you, so I'm trying to make up for it, so I can leave with a clean conscience?" He shook his head, stepping closer to Sam, staring up at him with passionate eyes. "Do I feel guilty for everything I've done? To you especially? Of course I do. But that's not why I want you to be happy. You may have forgiven me, but I never will forgive myself as you will never forgive yourself." 

Sam looked at him hard. "Then why?" He bit out. "Why is my happiness so important to you?" He said it like a challenge, like he didn't think Castiel had an answer, didn't know he had a million answers. 

He breathed heavily, and Sam seemed about to speak, to say he knew Castiel wouldn't have an answer, but the angel got there first. "I don't want your happiness to clear my own conscious. I want you to happy because you and Dean deserve happiness, more then anyone I've met. I want to you to be happy because you've give so many people your all, given the world your all, expecting nothing in return. I want you- need you to be happy, because I love you, love you more then I could ever imagine was even possible." 

Sam stared, as though that had been the last thing he had expected. They were toe to toe now, faces so close Castiel could feel Sam's breath on his lips. 

"You love me?" Sam sounded so disbelieving. 

"I love you." He whispered, taking Sam's hands. "I love you, I love you, I love you." 

Sam shook his head, all his anger gone, only disbelief and sadness, he rested his forehead against Castiel's, closing his eyes. "Why? How?" 

Castiel pressed his mouth to Sam's lightly, murmuring against his lips. "I don't know that love can be explained, Sam. But I do know I love you, and that you're worthy of my love. Worthy of happiness." 

Sam started to cry, and for a moment Castiel thought he had failed, but Sam started kissing him, fast and breathless, laughing and crying between kisses. "I love you too, Cas." He kissed Castiel's eyelids, pulling away, tears still in his eyes, and laughed, and it was happy, and it was the most beautiful sound Castiel had ever heard, on and on. 

"Happiness is hard to remember, Cas, but you've helped me remember, helped me feel it again." Sam smiled at him when he finished laughing, pulling Castiel in to a hug, squeezing him hard, and tight. 

"I'll always help you remember, Sam. Even when it's hard." Castiel told him, burying his face in Sam's neck. Happiness was still a hard thing to remember, to achieve, but it was a hell of a lot closer now, for both of them.


End file.
